|
Church Humor
UBIQUITOUS SIN
The story of the Prodigal Son (Luke chapter 5) is the
story about a young man who went to his father, demanded his whole inheritance,
and then proceeded to spend most of it on wine, women and song. The rest
he just wasted .
The church building committee bought
some paint at a discount to paint the church. To save money the building
committee decided to paint the church themselves. One Saturday they
managed to paint one side of the church, but the problem was that they had
already used one-half of the paint! So, they called an emergency meeting
and decided to thin the remaining paint to finish the job. So, the next
Saturday they started in again and used two-thirds of the remaining paint on the
second side. So, then again thinned the paint down for the final two
sides. As soon as the job was done there was a mighty rain storm that
washed all of the very paint off of the church building. When the building
committee returned to the site to inspect the bare walls where the paint had
been washed away, they heard a voice rolling down like thunder from the heavens.
"Repaint! And thin no more!"
There was a young minister called to his first pulpit
in a small town in Kentucky. The pulpit committee made it clear to the
young divine that they wanted someone who could preach against sin!
The first Sunday, the preacher spoke of the evils of
gambling. After the service he was called to task by the members of the
pulpit committee.
"Do you not understand that this is horse racing
country? If the race tracks went out of business some of our people would
starve! We want you to preach against sin, but you cannot mess in our
local economy."
The second Sunday he preached against drinking.
Again, after the service he was called to task one more time.
"Have you never heard of Kentucky bourbon? Two
hundred years ago our farmers started converting their grains into whiskey so as
to add value to their product, and also to make it easier to ship to market.
If it was not for bourbon our families would have starved a long time ago.
Chastised, the young preacher returned to the pulpit
the following week to preach on the evils of smoking. But once more he
found himself in hot water.
"Did not anyone tell you that this is tobacco
country? While none of us smoke, many in our flock raise tobacco. It
is the only crop that is worth growing from a financial standpoint. If
people stop growing tobacco many of our people will need to move away and find
new jobs in the big city!. Then, who will pay your salary?
The fourth Sunday, the sadder but much wiser pastor
preached on the sins of international currency speculation.....
There was a missionary conference in
Belgium at the start of the Twentieth Century that brought in church women from
across Europe. And, when the Dutch women saw that the English women were
wearing makeup, they were so shocked that the cigars fell out of their mouths!
QUIPS AND QUOTES
Did you hear about
the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stayed up all night wondering if there is a
Dog?
Don't let your worries get the best
of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you
try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come
close.
People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the
middle of the road, and the back of the church.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you
couldn't belong.
If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is
dead. So why should you?
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
When you are going
into the house of God, please remember to use the servants entrance.
I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which
one you stay home from?!
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the
Promises" are just "sitting on the premises".
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them – God will clean
them.
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
Don't wait for six strong men to carry you to church.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
A good example is infinitely more
powerful than good advice.
NEWSLETTER BLOOPERS
Charlene Mason sang "I will not
pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
"Ladies, don't
forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth
keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
The peacemaking meeting scheduled
for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Next Thursday there
will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Remember in prayer the many who are
sick of our community.
Don't let worry
kill you off --let the Church help.
The senior choir invites any member
of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
The Youth Group is
saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be
used to cripple children.
For those of you who have children
and don't know it, we have a nursery in back.
The church will
host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm
--prayer and medication to follow.
Low Self
Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back
door.
The Youth Group will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited
to attend this tragedy.
Our Prayerful
Pounds weight loss group will meet at 7 PM at the Church. Please use large
double door at the side entrance.
PRAYERS
A grandmother was
babysitting her two-year-old grand daughter at the seashore. Suddenly a
great wave swept the toddler out to sea. "Please God!" screamed the
grandmother. "Bring my grandbaby back to me!"
On the next wave the
little girl was returned unharmed to the beach, safe but wet. Grandma then
looked up and shook her fist at the sky. "She had a hat!"
Little Billy was saying his prayers
before going to bed. "...Bless Mommy and Daddy and Susie and Jake.
And, please God, make St. Louis the capital of Missouri, because that is what I
put on my test today. Amen. "
Another night little Billy was saying his
prayers one night before going to bed. "...And thank you, Howard, for
keeping us safe and secure. And Howard, bless Mommy and Daddy and Susie
and Jake. Amen:"
"That was a nice prayer", said his mom.
"But who is Howard?"
"That is God's name!" said Billy.
"Every Sunday in church we say the words: "Our Father, who does art in
Heaven, Howard be your name."
Adult's Morning
Prayer:
O God, I thank you that I have come so
far this day without giving offense or hurting another. I thank you that
my addictions have not taken over my life this day. I thank you that I
have not yet lost my temper, nor shown disrespect to any creature. I have
not lost myself in worry, self-doubt or lack of courage. Be with me and
sustain me with your love. Because God, I need to get up and get dressed now.
And from this point onward it is going to be much more difficult.
Amen.
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having
a real good time like I am."
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their
six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
A fishing boat in the Grand Banks was hit by a rogue wave and nearly
capsized. The radio and navigation system were out and the engines would
not restart. The first mate suggested to the captain that he should pray
for the crew. Unaccustomed as the captain was to praying, he gathered the
crew together and began to pray.
Dear Lord, please help us in our
time of distress. And please remember that this is not the dinky little
Sea of Galilee, but the vast North Atlantic Ocean!
A woman was in deep financial difficulties when her business failed and she
found herself deeply in debt. She prayed to God for help and guidance.
A voice from Heaven told her to take the last $27 in her purse and to give it to
the food pantry at the local church.
"Is there anyone else there?" she asked.
PASTOR'S LIFE
A middle
aged pastor took a week-long intensive course to update his preaching skills.
The professor told the class that they should begin their sermons with a snappy
introduction to get everyone's attention. As an example, he gave the
following illustration:
"I lived for
almost twenty years with a woman who was not my wife." Then, after a long
pause, he added, "She was my mother!"
So, the
pastor tried this trick when he returned to his pulpit the following Sunday.
"I lived for almost twenty years with a woman who was not my wife." But
then, after a long pause, he added, "But now for the life of me I cannot
remember who she was."
After
the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in
the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
The service regularly began with the pastors
words, "The Lord be with you!" to which the congregation would respond,
"And also with you!"
One day, due to technical difficulties
the pastor began by saying, "There is something wrong with this microphone."
The congregation dutifully replied, "And also with you!
A pastor was awakened by a burglar in
the middle of the night. The pastor shouted, "What are you doing in my
bedroom!"
"I was just looking for money,"
replied the burglar.
"Great! Let me grab my bathrobe
and I will help you look!"
All of the houses of worship in one
small town were located on the same street. The town's ministerial
association had gathered at a coffee shop for their monthly meeting when
suddenly, a fire broke out. There were only seconds to spare.
-
The Catholic priest ran into his
church and grabbed the consecrated hosts
-
The Lutheran pastor ran into her
church and grabbed the Bible
-
The Rabbi ran into the synagogue and
grabbed the Torah
-
The Episcopal rector ran into his
church and grabbed his vestments and altar cloths
-
The Methodist pastor ran into her
church and grabbed the hymnbooks and choir music
-
The Presbyterian pastor ran into the
Presbyterian church and grabbed the copier!
The minister, distraught over the price
of haircuts, complained to his stylist, "How can I pay $15 for a haircut?
I am just a poor preacher."
"Yes, I know", replied the stylist, "I
have heard you preach."
The pastor was making hospital calls one
day. One of the church members had a heart attack and was in very serious
condition. While the pastor was there, the patient's cousin arrived from
out of town. "You did not need to come all this way just to see me" said
the patient.
"Its ok. Uncle Bert is here in the
same hospital, all torn up from a serious traffic accident", replied the cousin.
"I thought I could just come and kill two birds with one stone!"
The church's bell tower
developed a serious bat problem. The Building Committee tried everything
to get rid of the bats, poisons, noise makers, plastic owls, but nothing worked.
Then the pastor announced that she had an idea to rid the church of bats.
She decided to go up into the bell tower and teach a confirmation class to the
bats. Sure enough, when the class was finished, the bats disappeared, and
have not been seen since.
Sunday School
A Sunday school teacher ask, "Johnny, do
you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied
Johnny. "How could he with just two worms?"
And then, after Sunday school, Johnny
was discussing the text with his grandfather. "Grandfather, did you ride
on Noah's Ark?" "Why of course not," replied the grandpa. "Then why
did you not drown?" questioned Johnny.
Q: What was the
first sport mentioned in the Bible?
A: Baseball!
In Genesis 1:1 we find: "In the BIG INNING, God created the heavens and
the Earth."
Q:
What are neutrinos?
A: They
are Italian neutrons. But even though they are Italian, they are not
Roman Catholic.
Q:
How do you know?
A:
Because they have no MASS.
A Sunday school
teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why
is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because
people are sleeping."
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in
church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister
had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's
going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by
the door? They're hushers."
Favorite
Hymns
Page references are
from The Presbyterian Hymnal (Westminster / John Knox Press, 1990)
Obstetricians Hymn:
Come Thou Long Expected Jesus (p. 2)
Birthing Hymn:
Come, Labor on (p. 415)
Innkeepers Hymn:
Comfort, Comfort You My People (p.3)
Dentists Hymn:
Crown Him with Many Crowns (p. 151)
Meteorologists Hymn: Jesus Comes with
Clouds Descending (p.6)
Microsoft Hymn:
Lift of your Heads, Ye Mighty Gates (p. 8)
Child Protective Services Hymn:
What Child is this? (p.53)
Conan O'Brien's Hymn:
Brightest and Best the Stars of Morning (p. 67)
Hymn for December 26th: O Thou My
Soul, Return in Peace (p. 228)
UPS Hymn:
When God Delivered Israel (p. 237)
LensCrafters Hymn:
Be Thou My Vision (p.339)
Fathers Day Hymn:
Blest be the Tie that Binds (p. 438)
Contractors' Hymn:
How Firm a Foundation (p. 361)
Environmentalist Hymn: Let the Whole
Creation Cry (p. 256)
Tailors' Hymn:
Holy, Holy (p. 140)
Global Positioning
System (GPS) Hymn: Here I am, Lord (p. 525)
Migrant Farm workers Hymn: We Plow
the Fields and Scatter (p. 560)
Please submit your good, clean, religious
humor.
| 