Church Humor

The story of the Prodigal Son (Luke chapter 5) is the story about a young man who went to his father, demanded his whole inheritance, and then proceeded to spend most of it on wine, women and song. The rest he just wasted .

The church building committee bought some paint at a discount to paint the church. To save money the building committee decided to paint the church themselves. One Saturday they managed to paint one side of the church, but the problem was that they had already used one-half of the paint! So, they called an emergency meeting and decided to thin the remaining paint to finish the job. So, the next Saturday they started in again and used two-thirds of the remaining paint on the second side. So, then again thinned the paint down for the final two sides. As soon as the job was done there was a mighty rain storm that washed all of the very paint off of the church building. When the building committee returned to the site to inspect the bare walls where the paint had been washed away, they heard a voice rolling down like thunder from the heavens.

There was a young minister called to his first pulpit in a small town in Kentucky. The pulpit committee made it clear to the young divine that they wanted someone who could preach against sin!

The first Sunday, the preacher spoke of the evils of gambling. After the service he was called to task by the members of the pulpit committee.

"Do you not understand that this is horse racing country? If the race tracks went out of business some of our people would starve! We want you to preach against sin, but you cannot mess in our local economy."

The second Sunday he preached against drinking. Again, after the service he was called to task one more time.

"Have you never heard of Kentucky bourbon? Two hundred years ago our farmers started converting their grains into whiskey so as to add value to their product, and also to make it easier to ship to market. If it was not for bourbon our families would have starved a long time ago.

Chastised, the young preacher returned to the pulpit the following week to preach on the evils of smoking. But once more he found himself in hot water.

"Did not anyone tell you that this is tobacco country? While none of us smoke, many in our flock raise tobacco. It is the only crop that is worth growing from a financial standpoint. If people stop growing tobacco many of our people will need to move away and find new jobs in the big city!. Then, who will pay your salary?

The fourth Sunday, the sadder but much wiser pastor preached on the sins of international currency speculation.....

There was a missionary conference in Belgium at the start of the Twentieth Century that brought in church women from across Europe. And, when the Dutch women saw that the English women were wearing makeup, they were so shocked that the cigars fell out of their mouths!

What is the anagram for Presbyterian?

PresByterIan = Best In Prayer

Our church welcomes all denominations. But we are especially fond of $20's, $50's and $100's

Life moves on. There comes a point after every funeral when someone needs to rise us and say, "So, what's for dinner?"

When people tell me, "Cheer up! Things could be worse," they are right! Things do get worse!

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stayed up all night wondering if there is a Dog?

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

When you are going into the house of God, please remember to use the servants entrance.

I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?!

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just "sitting on the premises".

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them – God will clean them.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't wait for six strong men to carry you to church.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

CHURCH LIFE

One woman was disrupting church one day with your enthusiastic yelps of "Praise God!" and "Hallelujah!" On of the ushers tried to quiet her down. He tried to explain to her that she was disrupting the worship service.

"But mister, I got religion!" The woman proclaimed.

"Yes, madame," replied the usher. "But you did not get it here!"

Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

The Youth Group is saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery in back.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The Youth Group will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Our Prayerful Pounds weight loss group will meet at 7 PM at the Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

An atheist was walking through the woods. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

A grandmother was babysitting her two-year-old grand daughter at the seashore. Suddenly a great wave swept the toddler out to sea. "Please God!" screamed the grandmother. "Bring my grandbaby back to me!"

On the next wave the little girl was returned unharmed to the beach, safe but wet. Grandma then looked up and shook her fist at the sky. "She had a hat!"

Little Billy was saying his prayers before going to bed. "...Bless Mommy and Daddy and Susie and Jake. And, please God, make St. Louis the capital of Missouri, because that is what I put on my test today. Amen. "

Another night little Billy was saying his prayers one night before going to bed. "...And thank you, Howard, for keeping us safe and secure. And Howard, bless Mommy and Daddy and Susie and Jake. Amen:"

"That is God's name!" said Billy. "Every Sunday in church we say the words: "Our Father, who does art in Heaven, Howard be your name."

O God, I thank you that I have come so far this day without giving offense or hurting another. I thank you that my addictions have not taken over my life this day. I thank you that I have not yet lost my temper, nor shown disrespect to any creature. I have not lost myself in worry, self-doubt or lack of courage. Be with me and sustain me with your love. And from this point onward it is going to be much more difficult. Because God, I need to get up and get dressed now. Amen.

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A fishing boat in the Grand Banks was hit by a rogue wave and nearly capsized. The radio and navigation system were out and the engines would not restart. The first mate suggested to the captain that he should pray for the crew. Unaccustomed as the captain was to praying, he gathered the crew together and began to pray.

Dear Lord, please help us in our time of distress. And please remember that this is not the dinky little Sea of Galilee, but the vast North Atlantic Ocean!

A woman was in deep financial difficulties when her business failed and she found herself deeply in debt. She prayed to God for help and guidance. A voice from Heaven told her to take the last $27 in her purse and to give it to the food pantry at the local church.

So many preachers have been preaching over the allotted time that a new preachers' 12-step support group has been created to deal with the problem. It is called: On-And-On Anon

A middle aged pastor took a week-long intensive course to update his preaching skills. The professor told the class that they should begin their sermons with a snappy introduction to get everyone's attention. As an example, he gave the following illustration:

"I lived for almost twenty years with a woman who was not my wife." Then, after a long pause, he added, "She was my mother!"

So, the pastor tried this trick when he returned to his pulpit the following Sunday. "I lived for almost twenty years with a woman who was not my wife." But then, after a long pause, he added, "But now for the life of me I cannot remember who she was."

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

The service regularly began with the pastors words, "The Lord be with you!" to which the congregation would respond, "And also with you!"

One day, due to technical difficulties the pastor began by saying, "There is something wrong with this microphone." The congregation dutifully replied, "And also with you!

A pastor was awakened by a burglar in the middle of the night. The pastor shouted, "What are you doing in my bedroom!"

All of the houses of worship in one small town were located on the same street. The town's ministerial association had gathered at a coffee shop for their monthly meeting when suddenly, a fire broke out. There were only seconds to spare.

· The Catholic priest ran into his church and grabbed the consecrated hosts

· The Episcopal rector ran into his church and grabbed his vestments and altar cloths

· The Methodist pastor ran into her church and grabbed the hymnbooks and choir music

· The Presbyterian pastor ran into the Presbyterian church and grabbed the copier!

The minister, distraught over the price of haircuts, complained to his stylist, "How can I pay $15 for a haircut? I am just a poor preacher."

The pastor was making hospital calls one day. One of the church members had a heart attack and was in very serious condition. While the pastor was there, the patient's cousin arrived from out of town. "You did not need to come all this way just to see me" said the patient.

"Its ok. Uncle Bert is here in the same hospital, all torn up from a serious traffic accident", replied the cousin. "I thought I could just come and kill two birds with one stone!"

The church's bell tower developed a serious bat problem. The Building Committee tried everything to get rid of the bats, poisons, noise makers, plastic owls, but nothing worked. Then the pastor announced that she had an idea to rid the church of bats. She decided to go up into the bell tower and teach a confirmation class to the bats. Sure enough, when the class was finished, the bats disappeared, and have not been seen since.

A Sunday school teacher ask, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

And then, after Sunday school, Johnny was discussing the text with his grandfather. "Grandfather, did you ride on Noah's Ark?" "Why of course not," replied the grandpa. "Then why did you not drown?" questioned Johnny.

A: Baseball! In Genesis 1:1 we find: "In the BIG INNING, God created the heavens and the Earth."

A: They are Italian neutrons. But even though they are Italian, they are not Roman Catholic.

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

Page references are from The Presbyterian Hymnal (Westminster / John Knox Press, 1990)